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Why So Tense?

23 Jun

Bitter days? I’ve had a few.

Every so often I replay offenses in my life over and over again in my head. And in my heart. It’s like a puzzle or a riddle you just can’t figure out. Maybe if I mull it over one more time, I can fit the pieces together and reconcile it within myself. But I never will. It is an unsolvable riddle. It relies on others providing pieces to the puzzle that they cannot or are unwilling to give. They may honestly not know they are even holding those pieces at all.

The only relief I will find is if I let it go. Allow it to go unsolved, unresolved, unreconciled. Allow it to be what it was probably always meant to be. Humbling moments in time that taught me lessons about myself. The ugly parts that needed to change. And the parts of myself I can be proud of. Now, if only I can wrap my heart around that concept, I can let go of these things I hold onto.

Grudges? I’ve a had a few.

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Just Being Human

21 Jun

Sorry it’s been awhile. I came down with the flu for about a week. Boy, was this the worst time to get sick!

We finally found a pentecostal/charismatic church. It’s 40 minutes away which is quite a bit when your last two churches were 10 and 2o minutes away but it gives Paul and I some good chat time. The church is doing a series on how to be a contagious Christian and what that means. The summary of this message was to pray more and talk less, love more and judge less. It was the prayer portion that really touched us.

At this point, Paul and I sort of don’t know what to pray. We pray for healing, both spiritual and physical. We pray for peace. We pray for courage. We pray for comfort. We pray for grace and mercy and all of the things we’ve learned to pray. But at this point our prayers seem to be simply going through the motions of praying and praying all the things we know are the right things to pray. We both discovered that what we are struggling with this at this time is bitterness and disappointment.

We feel like whiny Jobs, “God we know you are who you say you are. But why does life have to suck so bad right now? Gah!” I’m aware of the admonishment that Job received after saying such things, but sometimes you just gotta be human and shake your fist to the sky.

10 Jun

Sorry it’s been a few days but there’s been very little to report. Thankfully, my mother-in-law is still with us. Her vitals have been good and stable and she’s been awake. It allows us to spend more time with her. Unfortuately, this time is bittersweet. Occasionally she is very lucid, she knows what is happening and she knows where she is. But those moments are very far and few between. Paul mentioned that the hardest part of watching this disease a second time is watching it steal his loved one’s dignity.The days are tiring. We do our best to get through our daily duties as fast as we can so we can rush to the hospice and spend time with her.

The light in the dark is Derek. She recognizes all of her family, but the person that lights her face up the most is Derek. The minute she sees him she says, “Derek Stephen Petroski, I your Baci (bah-chee) and I love you,” something she’s been saying to him since the moment he was born. He sits on the bed with her, gives her kisses and says her name over and over again, “Baci, Baci, Baci…” He even cheers up everyone else in the hospice. He runs around giggling, putting smiles on the families that are visiting their loved ones. He’s probably the best doctor in the place! Back at my dad’s memorial service someone mentioned to me that there should always be a baby at a funeral, because they have unimaginable healing powers. I think the same goes for hospices and hospitals.

4 Jun

Yesterday Paul and his siblings had to make the difficult decision of putting his mom in hospice. They considered in-home care but with the amount of pain that she’s in it would be better for her to be in a hospice facility where she can have round-the-clock care. It’s a really nice place and very small so that she can get a lot of attention.

Paul spoke to the doctor yesterday and the prognosis is very grim. They’ve given her maybe a few days. She can no longer really communicate. She wakes up every once in awhile and recognizes people. But she mostly rests which gives her respite from the pain. The family priest came in to give her her last rites. She lit up when we took Derek to see her. She reached out to touch him and we sat by her side for awhile so she could see his beautiful face as she came in and out of consciousness.

As hard as all of this is, everyone seems to be at peace. Mourning, but at peace. Hurting, but at peace. Knowing that their mother/friend/sister/aunt is going to be at peace soon and will no longer suffer.

Deja Vu

3 Jun

In 2001, Paul lost his sister Kristi to a brain tumor after an 11-year long battle. As the tumor and its affects began to overtake her brain, her mental and physical abilities began to decline. Paul and his extended family are now forced to watch his mother go through the same thing at a much faster rate due to the aggressiveness of her brain cancer.

Last night, Paul’s mom was taken away by ambulance and admitted to the hospital. We found out that the tumor has now grown to 6 cm and is dislocating her brain. As we finished the admission process last night, we discussed medical care for Paul’s terminally ill mother. Much of the conversation was very similar to the conversations my brother and I had for my dad a little over a year ago.

I have no spiritual insight. I cannot see the beauty from the ashes quite yet. I know that I will. I will know we will eventually see the lessons to be learned and our character will grow. But at this moment taking comfort in God’s sovereignty doesn’t feel like enough. As Paul said last night, “God we know you’re great. We know you’re sovereign. But sometimes you seem like kind of a jerk.”

Perspective

27 May

A lot of people have mentioned to me that it’s pretty incredible that I uprooted my life to support my husband in moving out to Pennsylvania. This is odd to me because, quite frankly, Paul is my life. Our lives became one almost six years ago. His family is my family. His needs are my needs. This isn’t a “sacrifice” for me. This is merely me being his wife and that is the promise I made on our wedding day. For better or for worse.

I think that losing my dad opened my perspective to the need a child has for a parent at any age. I mourn that I didn’t spend much time with my dad in the last two years of his life. I don’t want Paul to have any regrets as to what he could have done or didn’t do. And I would never want to be the thing that stood in the way of his ability to be near his family during this hard time.

Of course, I’m hesistant to say what the doctors say is happening. I know that this brain cancer in my mother-in-law’s brain is a reality. But I now that God trumps reality. Actually, God is reality and His reality isn’t always what we see or feel here in our lives. Our prayer is, “God, we know you can heal her. If it is your will to heal her, we have no doubt that you can. But, we submit to your sovereignty. We just ask that if it is not your will to heal her of this tumor, that you take her home to be with you quickly so that she does not suffer.”

I hope and pray these are all healthy and Godly perspectives to have.

Update – It’s Been Awhile

21 Jun

Due to my struggles with PPD and the recent loss of my father, I’ve decided to leave my job. All of this just proved to be a little too much to handle. Paul and I felt that is was also a season where we needed to step away from our church, which was a very difficult decision to make.

We love our church and I loved my job, but for now I just need time for my husband, my son, and well… for me.  Your prayers are welcomed.