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Why So Tense?

23 Jun

Bitter days? I’ve had a few.

Every so often I replay offenses in my life over and over again in my head. And in my heart. It’s like a puzzle or a riddle you just can’t figure out. Maybe if I mull it over one more time, I can fit the pieces together and reconcile it within myself. But I never will. It is an unsolvable riddle. It relies on others providing pieces to the puzzle that they cannot or are unwilling to give. They may honestly not know they are even holding those pieces at all.

The only relief I will find is if I let it go. Allow it to go unsolved, unresolved, unreconciled. Allow it to be what it was probably always meant to be. Humbling moments in time that taught me lessons about myself. The ugly parts that needed to change. And the parts of myself I can be proud of. Now, if only I can wrap my heart around that concept, I can let go of these things I hold onto.

Grudges? I’ve a had a few.

Just Being Human

21 Jun

Sorry it’s been awhile. I came down with the flu for about a week. Boy, was this the worst time to get sick!

We finally found a pentecostal/charismatic church. It’s 40 minutes away which is quite a bit when your last two churches were 10 and 2o minutes away but it gives Paul and I some good chat time. The church is doing a series on how to be a contagious Christian and what that means. The summary of this message was to pray more and talk less, love more and judge less. It was the prayer portion that really touched us.

At this point, Paul and I sort of don’t know what to pray. We pray for healing, both spiritual and physical. We pray for peace. We pray for courage. We pray for comfort. We pray for grace and mercy and all of the things we’ve learned to pray. But at this point our prayers seem to be simply going through the motions of praying and praying all the things we know are the right things to pray. We both discovered that what we are struggling with this at this time is bitterness and disappointment.

We feel like whiny Jobs, “God we know you are who you say you are. But why does life have to suck so bad right now? Gah!” I’m aware of the admonishment that Job received after saying such things, but sometimes you just gotta be human and shake your fist to the sky.

Will the Real Teresa Please Stand Up

30 Apr

So, I have begun my path on the road to recovery. To claw myself out of the depths of post-partum depression back to (hopefully) feeling like myself again. And as I say and think those words, I wonder, “What does that even mean?” The last time I remember feeling like myself was when I had no human being to rely on me to do that little task of sustaining their life. (I hope you’re sensing the tone, cause there is one).

Who will emerge when the dust of hormones settle? What are the parts of me that I will choose to leave behind because they no longer fit as my new role as “mommy”? What will I keep? What will I hold onto, refusing to let go, kicking and screaming as God continues to refine me? And why does this refining process have to be so freaking painful?!?! Why can’t refining be a comforting process that feels like getting a foot massage? Or as satisfying as eating toaster strudel? (which I’m officially off of, btw).


I knew that becoming a mom wouldn’t be a walk in a field of daisies along calm streams and toaster strudel waiting for me at the end of the path (*sigh*), but I didn’t expect the identity crisis.

Will the Real Teresa Please Stand Up

29 Apr

So, I have begun my path on the road to recovery. To claw myself out of the depths of post-partum depression back to (hopefully) feeling like myself again. And as I say and think those words, I wonder, “What does that even mean?” The last time I remember feeling like myself was when I had no human being to rely on me to do that little task of sustaining their life. (I hope you’re sensing the tone, cause there is one).

Who will emerge when the dust of hormones settle? What are the parts of me that I will choose to leave behind because they no longer fit as my new role as “mommy”? What will I keep? What will I hold onto, refusing to let go, kicking and screaming as God continues to refine me? And why does this refining process have to be so freaking painful?!?! Why can’t refining be a comforting process that feels like getting a foot massage? Or as satisfying as eating toaster strudel? (which I’m officially off of, btw).


I knew that becoming a mom wouldn’t be a walk in a field of daisies along calm streams and toaster strudel waiting for me at the end of the path (*sigh*), but I didn’t expect the identity crisis.

I Not Feeling So Good Today

14 Apr

I Not Feeling So Good Today

14 Apr